I have good days and bad days.  Lately if I don't lock myself in the bathroom crying I consider it a good day.  Today was not a good day.  But I think the saddest part of all was the realization while talking to my mom on gmail chat that I can't remember the last time I had a hug.

Back again...

It's been a long absence here, but I'm back for a bit at least.  Life has been a crazy roller coaster lately.  Or maybe it's more accurate to say my emotional state has been a crazy roller coaster.  I'm trying to finish my PhD this fall semester, which means defense by Dec. 8.  AAHHHH!!!  STRESSS!!!! 

To top it off, I seem to have completely lost interest in my analysis.  I sort of think it's just my "flight" (as in fight or flight) response to the crazy stress of actually trying to write my disseration and finish everything in a near impossible amount of time.  But I find myself coming up with every conceivable thing to do EXCEPT finish my analysis.  Which is very very bad.  Because in order to finish my degree I'll have to get the analysis approved by the collaboration, which is a long messy process.  So I really should be doing that now.  But I just can't make myself focus on it.  I get bogged down in details, and whenever I try to step back and look at the big picture I get so overwhelmed that I just want to shut my eyes, put my fingers in my ears, and hum something soothing to myself to block it out.

On top of that we finally got some summer weather, but not nice mild summer weather.  It went from months of temps in the 60s and raining to 90s.  And there is no a/c here.  So sitting at my computer (read: heater) is really the last thing I want to do.

In addition I haven't had a haircut in a very long time.  Because of the ridiculous cost of getting a haircut here I was trying to go the let-it-grow route.  But my hair grows crazy fast, and is super thick, heavy, and unruly.  Plus I am not willing to spend 45 minutes taming it to something presentable each day.  So it has started looking like I stuck my finger in the socket.  That annoyance combined with the heat has made me want to chop it off again! 

I was thinking something around chin length, like a bob with layers and sideswept bangs.  I started searching around online for ideas and came across Dianna Agron's new haircut and I love it!  I like how it can be straight and smooth, messy, or wavy and still looks good.  Especially since I want to be able to just leave mine wavy sometimes and still look presentable.  Here are some examples...thoughts?

Changes

Yesterday I bought my first size 12 pants in 9 years.

I went shopping at an outlet mall near Lausanne.  Outlet malls are not very common in Switzerland and clothes prices are usually ridiculous, so I don't go on a shopping spree very often.  But I was desperate for some new summer clothes, as most of what I have I got 2 years ago.  And two years ago I was wearing a size 16/18.

I've realized however that I have a distorted mental image of what I look like now.  I think it's not so unusual actually; but when I hold up a piece of clothing I have no idea whether it will fit or not.  I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I see some changes, but most of the time I just look the same as always.  I stand on the scale and don't quite believe the numbers.  I can feel that my body is stronger and healthier, I hardly have any trouble with my asthma anymore, yet I still mentally feel like I'm 210 pounds.  It's an interesting journey to say the least...

But when I really think about the things that I can do now, which I wouldn't have even attempted 2 years ago when I move here, I really feel the progress I've made.  Tomorrow I'm going to spin class, Tuesday I'm playing squash, and Wednesday is soccer day.  I can ride my bike 12 km to work and then back again.  I've been hiking in the Alps and the Andes.  I can jog for half an hour without stopping.

There are still things I have trouble doing.  I still can't quite keep up with my friends on hikes and bike rides, but I'll get there.  I've slowly but surely worked my way out of the "obese" category and am a mere 15 pounds away from my healthy weight range.  I alternate between feeling proud of what I've accomplished and the self-pity and frustration of not being able to do everything my friends can.

Today, I am proud.

Wish I knew grammar...

Who would have guessed that by being a physicist I would end up needing a firm grasp of grammar concepts?  My poor grasp of English grammar is making it more and more difficult to keep up in my German class...help!

I should have paid more attention in my middle school English classes.  I guess there was actually a point to diagraming sentences....

Stuff

I passed my comps.  YES!  I'm awesome.  That means this the blog post of an official PhD candidate.

My new strategy for combatting my incredibly dry and itchy scalp is to wash my hair as little as possible, and when I do have to wash it, I alternate between Head and Shoulders Intensive Treatment and Neutrogena T-Gel shampoo.  The Neutrogena one actually works better.  But the "active ingredient" in it is coal tar extract.  Seriously?  And it smells like it too.  So I pretty much get to choose between my hair being dirty, smelling like tar, or crusted in blood from my mutilated scalp.

To move on to more pleasant topics, in two weeks some friends and I are going skiing for the weekend.  Hooray!  Then on Feb 27th I fly to Colombia for a glorious sunshine-filled 3 week vacation!  But right now I get to go home from work!