Yesterday I bought my first size 12 pants in 9 years.
I went shopping at an outlet mall near Lausanne. Outlet malls are not very common in Switzerland and clothes prices are usually ridiculous, so I don't go on a shopping spree very often. But I was desperate for some new summer clothes, as most of what I have I got 2 years ago. And two years ago I was wearing a size 16/18.
I've realized however that I have a distorted mental image of what I look like now. I think it's not so unusual actually; but when I hold up a piece of clothing I have no idea whether it will fit or not. I look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I see some changes, but most of the time I just look the same as always. I stand on the scale and don't quite believe the numbers. I can feel that my body is stronger and healthier, I hardly have any trouble with my asthma anymore, yet I still mentally feel like I'm 210 pounds. It's an interesting journey to say the least...
But when I really think about the things that I can do now, which I wouldn't have even attempted 2 years ago when I move here, I really feel the progress I've made. Tomorrow I'm going to spin class, Tuesday I'm playing squash, and Wednesday is soccer day. I can ride my bike 12 km to work and then back again. I've been hiking in the Alps and the Andes. I can jog for half an hour without stopping.
There are still things I have trouble doing. I still can't quite keep up with my friends on hikes and bike rides, but I'll get there. I've slowly but surely worked my way out of the "obese" category and am a mere 15 pounds away from my healthy weight range. I alternate between feeling proud of what I've accomplished and the self-pity and frustration of not being able to do everything my friends can.
Today, I am proud.
